A quick note before I begin – I realize that by now I have more written material about my busking that I do actual photo or video proof of said busking… so I’ll be putting more effort into that over the next week! In the meantime, do check out this Youtube video that shows the basics of how I construct a song with my loop pedal! And read on!
Now the real post: It takes a certain kind of person to launch a risky creative gambit. My fellow musicians, artists, and creative types of all kinds will agree that a creator’s mind is not always a peaceful one. Counteracting surges of confidence and racking waves of doubt are the daily par for the course. I find that I’m no exception. Especially since my main creative endeavor, busking on the Ocean City boardwalk, is completely variable and comes with no guarantee of welcome or success.
I’m learning to come to terms with this mental process, which I’ll call the extremes of ego. Pride lurks under many guises. It can rear its head and threaten to derail me whether I’m doing well or poorly. I’m writing this post to help myself recognize and cast it aside, to maintain a healthier mental balance.
When I’m getting lots of good reactions by people passing by, and the smiles and dollars are flowing, I feel on top of the world. It’s no small feat to just show up on a street corner and influence complete strangers to tip me through the sheer force of my music. I feel completely uninhibited, like I’m totally free to go anywhere in the world and make money like this, that I could “beat the system.” This feeling is especially powerful when my own original songs get good reactions.
But busking is a fickle mistress, and the same songs or charms that work on another night could fall flat the next night. When I’m doing poorly, I find I have to keep my ego in check in different ways. It goes one of two directions –
On one hand, I feel the ugly side of pride creep in and paint the passersby with negative strokes. Why is nobody even stopping to listen? Can’t they see how hard I’m working here? These are songs that everyone knows and loves!
Don’t they understand how many hours I’ve put into practicing and memorizing lyrics? How heavy this wagon is and how sweaty I got dragging it for blocks to get here?? Don’t they have any appreciation for the arts, and creativity, and the human soul of their city?? Look at how oblivious and fat and ignorant they all are, what do they even do for society, what beauty do they contribute to the world…?
Then I catch myself and realize how dark and selfish a mental path that is to go down. Those moments happen when my stamina and encouragement are running low, and they are not part of my true beliefs.
It’s a temptation to give in to ego in this way, but at the end of the day, I have to remember: I chose this. Nobody asked me to come do this. Nobody is paying me to be here. If I feel like I deserve to make any money off the cuff for playing music, then I damn well better be offering something that people value.
“As an artist, the day I start blaming the audience for not ‘getting’ or appreciating my work, is the day I am doomed.”
You can never blame the market. This is something I’ve heard echoed in posts across various platforms and fields of business, but it really rings true. As an artist, the day I start blaming the audience for not ‘getting’ or appreciating my work, is the day I am doomed. I can only succeed as far as I am authentically entertaining people.
It doesn’t matter to anyone else the time or effort I put into learning songs, or that I’m being an ‘authentic version of myself’ or how clever I thought I was in crafting a setlist. The only thing that matters in the end is if I can make a real human connection with those walking by through the music I play. And often they appreciate it in a completely different way than I do.
The other extreme of ego is when I take the lack of response as a signal that I’m wasting my time, my music is garbage, and I was delusional to ever think that this would be a worthwhile endeavor.
Why would anyone give money out of their own pocket to a random guy on the street, when they can stream any song in the world basically for free? Maybe my gear is a joke, and all the time and money I spent preparing was a waste, and I’m falling hopelessly behind in life, and no one will ever take me seriously as an artist…
But I have to catch myself there too. That mindset is equally unhealthy, and not a reflection of my true character. Also, I know it’s usually false. I may not be a superstar, but I’m not half bad. The boardwalk is a completely overstimulating place, and people are completely saturated in entertainment and distractions anyway. It is overflowing with shops, restaurants, amusement rides, and other performers.
The fact that anyone stops and donates to me through all this chaos is a small miracle in itself 🙂 Most of the time, people are simply too distracted, or are trying to get somewhere on time, or keep track of their family, or absorbed in their own world. I’m learning to never take it personally if I don’t garner much attention. You grow thick skin pretty quickly along this road.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m going unhinged, or that I’m constantly flipping between different flavors of anguish as I’m performing. All in all, it’s a pretty great time, and I’m so thankful to be working hard at something I love.
Learning to manage these flashes of ego is all part of the process, and writing it out like this has been extremely liberating. I’m learning to rely on inner peace and this knowledge: Foremost, I have to do this because I love it, and for the sake of the music, and the rest will follow after that.
“I’m Max Mandu, and I’m out there pursuing my dream, drinking from the brim of life, getting better every day.”
Somewhere between the extremes of ego lies a healthy approach to the creative journey. I’m no busking messiah, but neither am I a hopeless amateur. I’m Max Mandu, and I’m out there pursuing my dream, drinking from the brim of life, getting better every day.
Thanks for reading!